Welcome Shirley Goldberg & Her New Release Revamped: a Vampire Comedy

Please welcome author Shirley Goldberg to tell us about her new release, Revamped, A Vampire Comedy. Revamped is a part of the Mortar & Pestle series of seven books by seven authors.

An energy vampire hungry for love meets the wisecracking woman of his parents’ nightmares.

 

Tell us about your book, Shirley.

The idea for Revamped came about one afternoon when I was socializing with six other author friends. Mind you, we weren’t at a happy hour in a restaurant.

We were all on Zoom.

I have six author besties in our Mortar & Pestle group. Over the past year and a half, the six of us got to know one another online as we discussed publishing, writing, marketing, and brainstormed our story ideas. I wouldn’t have written Revamped without my besties.

One day, when we were gathered around our computer screens, someone suggested we write a series together with a common element that travels through time. How we decided on a Mortar & Pestle, I don’t recall. We all came up with book proposals and chattered about them. It’s much easier to pop out ideas for a book than to write it.

Since my favorite books to read and write were women’s humorous romantic fiction, that’s what I said I’d write.

Until someone said, “Why don’t you throw in paranormal? Maybe a vampire?”

“I don’t know anything about paranormal.” Thinking how ridiculous. “And I don’t like all that blood.”

“Your character can be an energy vampire,” someone else said. “No blood.”

In the end, I took the bait and invented a new world, different from the world I usually wrote in. What fun I had cooking up trouble for Dante, my energy vampire, and Sophie, his honey—not to mention figuring out how the Mortar & Pestle would appear in the book and bring the two main characters together.

Blurb:

Vampire Dante Allegretti hates his sucky life. Born into a family of energy siphoners, he’s desperate to reinvent himself as a fun-loving normal guy rather than a crowdsourcing parasite. To stop the draining urges, Dante resorts to grinding alternative meds in an ancient mortar, unaware that it contains magical properties. 

Enter wisecracking thirty-year-old Sophie Arley, who lives with her clingy parents. Working three jobs and craving independence, she’s come back strong after a breakdown crashed her cozy world. So when the weird, hot guy she just met asks Sophie to the movies, she agrees.

Sophie won’t spoil their magical connection by mentioning her heartbreak. And Dante dreads telling Sophie about his dark side. Will the power from the mortar & pestle guide them to their happily-ever-after despite the secrets and lies?

Revamped: a Vampire Comedy
Independent publication, released March 21, 2023
255 pp.
Heat rating: moderate

Excerpt:

Dante, the vampire, has invited Sophie for dinner even though he doesn’t cook and has only recently begun eating “people” food.

Jack led the way into the kitchen, tail wagging. Wine glasses and the bottle opener sat waiting on the counter next to three bottles of red wine, including the one I’d brought, dinner plates with utensils, and tall water glasses.

“How about you open the bottle I brought?” Keep him busy, take the pressure off. He took the hint, picking up the fancy corkscrew with wings, studied it a moment and easily fit it on the bottle.

“Where are you taking the cooking class?” I sounded like a Dating 101 instructor. Get the guy to talk about himself.

“I don’t know yet. It was just an idea.” Dante slid the door to the lanai open. For a large space, it was sparsely furnished with a table for two and two chaise lounges at the far end. “Sit and relax out there. I’ll get the wine.”

Maybe a few drops of Malbec would help ease Dante’s uptightness. I sat scratching Jack’s head, wondering how long the awkward period would last.

He carried out the bottle of wine, poured two glasses, and handed me one. “Cheers.” He put down his glass. “I’ll prepare your plate.”

“Dante?” I held up my glass in a toast. “Let’s sit for a minute, shall we?” Shall we. I sounded so formal.

“Uh, sure.” He picked up his glass and clinked mine. We each took a sip. “Mellifluous and rich with the aroma of the pampas of Argentina.” He beamed a smile at me, proud of his wine descriptor. His whole body relaxed. “I have a confession.”

“Oh, do tell.” This would be fun. “Sir, what is your confession?”

He peered closer at me as if he wanted to whisper in my ear. With that almost bronze-colored hair, the man looked like a fine statue with the musculature of an Italian god.

“I raced around to five stores today. To prepare for our dinner.”

I flinched. “That doesn’t sound like fun.” Was he trying to make me feel guilty?

“Great fun, great fun. You should have come with me. Maybe next time.”

“There’s a next time?”

 “Sure. Today I got the essentials only.” He took a sip of wine and I did the same. “I moved in and bought furniture, but never got around to buying utensils. Or dishes.”

“You started from scratch?”

“Knives, forks, spoons. Plates. Couldn’t decide whether I wanted contemporary or traditional.” He chuckled. “That’s a bad joke seeing as trad’s my parents all the way.”

He was thawing out. Cute, too, that he was agonizing over his silver pattern choices even if he didn’t like his parents’ taste. I put my elbows on the table and leaned closer.

“Salt and pepper shakers. Salt and pepper. Oil and vinegar. Items like that.” He shot me a quick look and gulped his wine, then blurted “napkins!” a little too loudly. “Do you like the color? I went with a neutral.”  

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “You’re adorable.”

“I–” He stood and gazed down at me. “I’d better rustle up our dinner before it dries out.” He rushed away.

He was back in a flash, a plastic-wrapped plate in each hand. “Salad, two kinds.” He put them in the middle of the table. “Arugula with feta and parsley. A salad with three kinds of olives and…other things.”

My eyes popped out of my head at the sight of an antipasto that could feed sixteen.

 “I think I’ll serve everything else now.” He shuffled from one foot to the other. “Is it all right if I do that? Sorry.”

“What? This looks lovely.” Indeed, the salads were smorgasbords of perfection and I couldn’t wait to dig in. Just like this house, dinner was over the top.

“I didn’t plan so well and I’m afraid the chicken will get dry. And the fish.”

“Chicken and fish? Oh, my, who else did you invite?”

“You’re my first guest ever.” He chuckled at himself. “I-I guess I’m overcompensating. Hope you’re hungry.”

“Famished.” I clapped my hands, like the emoji. “I can eat for two people.” Apparently, drink for two as well. My glass was empty already. I stood and reached for the wine. Topped our glasses off.

“No, thanks. I…” He regarded the glass of wine with suspicion.

“Didn’t you want a refill?”

“Yes, absolutely. I have to pace myself, is all.”

He went back inside and brought out a tray with five plates of food, introducing each dish as he put it on the table.

“Fish with lemon sauce and chicken Milanese with pasta on the side.” He gave me a sideways glance and smiled a shy smile.

“Wow, a mound of spaghetti.” I wanted to buss his cheek. Yes, buss, one of my favorite old words that no one uses any longer.

“I didn’t know what you’d like and it doesn’t matter if there’s too much food. I’ll give Jack a treat.”

“I love leftovers.” This man was endearing. And so ill at ease I thought he’d prefer to don an invisible cloak in my company. I wondered what he saw in me—a woman who obviously didn’t have her act together. Did I have special powers over him?

“Let’s serve ourselves.” I stood and removed the cling wrap from the salads, and Dante balled it up and lobbed it in the direction of the door.

“Uh oh, I don’t have serving spoons.” He looked stricken. “I forgot.”

“No problem. Can you lift the antipasto dish?” I stabbed an olive and shuffled some cheese, roasted peppers, and a slice of mini salami onto my plate. We helped one another to the salads and the fish and chicken and pasta. Dante’s fine feast, topped off with a fruit and nut bread. I grabbed an end piece and dipped it in sauce. 

“This is amazing.” I eased a piece of lemony fish into my mouth, where it melted on my tongue. Hah. As if I thought Dante had magically whipped up this meal. No matter what, I could be polite and pretend.

Dante leaned forward and forked a piece of chicken. “I bought everything at store number five, my last stop. Whole Foods. Including the cranberry walnut bread. Do you think we have enough food? It’s criminal, but I never eat at home.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a long story.” He chewed thoughtfully. “Can we save it for another time?”

“Sure. It’s not sheer laziness?”

“Partly that.” He surveyed the table. “By the way, thank you for coming to dinner. I thought you’d cancel.”

        “I thought about it.”

Buy Links:

Revamped is 99 cents for the entire first month of release: https://www.amazon.com/Revamped-Vampire-Comedy-Shirley-Goldberg-ebook/dp/B0BRYS5159/

The Mortar & Pestle Series

FREE Prequel to the Mortar & Pestle series: https://dl.bookfunnel.com/3vhm70pc1r

About the Author:

Shirley Goldberg is a writer, novelist, and former ESL and French teacher who’s lived in Paris, Crete, and Casablanca. She often writes about men and women of a certain age starting over. Her website, MidAge Dating, offers a humorous look at dating in mid-life, and her friends like to guess which stories are true. A Little Bit of Lust is her third book in the series Starting Over, although all her books are stand-alone, including Revamped, her new vampire comedy. It’s the story of an energy vampire with one good friend and a family who embarrasses him. Revamped is part of the Mortar & Pestle series by seven authors coming in March. To grab the Prequel, see the link below.

Shirley’s characters all believe you should never leave home without your sense of humor and she agrees.

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